Public Meltdowns and Parenting Through Tantrums | The Shift from Baby to Big Brother | Gentle Strategies That Actually Help

To be completely honest, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks of toddler tantrums. Except: Hugo just turned four. Is he even a toddler anymore?

Four is a liminal age. Not quite a toddler, not quite a “big kid,” suddenly very aware of their own power, while still learning to regulate their behavior and having a completely undeveloped nervous system. So no, he isn’t really a toddler anymore… but he is absolutely not past tantrums. 

There are moments when I want to swear off taking him anywhere public ever again. No more grocery shopping together. No more wandering Longwood Gardens. No more thrift stores or restaurants. But that kind of resolve feels like defeat-- like Hugo has won. And the truth is, he got his stubbornness from somewhere. I will still need to run out for milk and diapers on occasion. He still needs outings with fresh air and space to stretch his legs.  Sometimes I don't feel like cooking dinner.

What I’m really noticing, are the limits-- both mine and his-- in this particular season. And I am trying to adjust my expectations accordingly. He’s still adjusting to not being the baby of the family anymore. He tells me “Mom, I love you” a hundred times a day, but I know what he’s really saying is, Mom, I’m still here. Don’t forget me.

Public meltdowns have become a part of this transition for us, and I feel completely exposed when trying to parent through them with a newborn in my arms or at my breast. There’s nowhere to hide when your child is screaming that he wanted apple juice for ten solid minutes in the Longwood Gardens café while you’re nursing a baby and trying to breathe through the moment. I feel so apologetic and am hyper-aware of every glance, thinking: I’m so sorry you’re trying to enjoy your lunch while we are absolutely not.

What helps is community.

Three separate grandmothers came up to me that day and told me they remembered those years. That I was doing a good job. Really? ME?

Fellow mothers have met my eyes with solidarity instead of judgment, offering an understanding smile or a little nod that says, I see you. I’ve been here too. A store clerk once carried my purchase to the car so I could manage a newborn and a kicking, screaming four-year-old-- an act of quiet, practical kindness when my arms were literally and emotionally full.

What doesn’t help is cruelty. Like the mean (and hopefully childless) man who yelled across a parking lot after I held the door for him, hollering that I should be more assertive and that no one wanted to hear my child cry. Yell at your kid, lady! His words said far more about him than they ever could about my parenting, but they still lingered longer than I wanted them to.

The truth is that Hugo isn’t giving me a hard time; he’s having one. Learning that doesn’t make the tantrums disappear, but it does change how I stand in them.

Parenting through public tantrums isn’t about winning or losing or crossing off yet another place that you can’t go until this stage is over. It’s about staying present, modeling regulation when your child can’t yet access it, and trusting that this too shall pass.

One day apple juice won’t feel like the end of the world.

Parenting Through Public Meltdowns: Gentle Strategies That Actually Help

I’m not an expert by any stretch. My older girls were parented by a very different version of me-- one who was still learning how to regulate herself. But with my younger kids, I’m more healed, more grounded, and very much still learning. These are the gentle strategies that have truly helped us move through the recent uptick in public meltdowns.

1. Reframe the Tantrum:

Your child isn’t trying to make things harder or draw attention to you. Their tantrum is a sign that their nervous system is overwhelmed. Just like I wouldn't yell at my newborn who is screaming because he is in a period of adjustment to life outside the womb, I choose not to yell at my toddler if I can help it*. Shifting from Control/Tantrum Shutdown Mode to Support Mode changes everything.

Try reminding yourself: My child isn’t giving me a hard time. They’re having one.

*If my child's safety or the saftey of another child is in question I do yell to get thier attention. Also, I'm not a super mom and sometimes the exhaustion and frustration of dealing with big feelings gets the better of me.

2. Name the Transition Out Loud:

Big life changes, like becoming a big sibling, can show up as big feelings in public. Naming the subconscious reason for thier big feelings and what’s underneath can help your child feel seen, even if the crying continues.

• “It’s hard not being the baby anymore.”

• “You really want my attention right now.”

3. Lower the Bar for Public Outings:

I don't expect perfect behavior from my kids-- that is just setting myself up for frustration when they act thier age. Success for us might simply be getting in and out safely (not pulling away from me and running in the parking lot or not head banging the floor). What does this meran for my errands right now:

• Shorter trips

• Fewer stops

• Clear expectations before you go in

As a mom to older kids as well, I have some non-negotiable, time sensitive responsibilities throughout the day like school drop-off and pickup. If a tantrum occurs during one of these times, I adapt. For instance, my kids are usually walkers and I meet them at dismissmal. If I can't get my four year old to put proper clothing and footwear on in time, I will pick him up, put him in his carseat, strap him down and go through the carline. The teachers don't love it, but adapting to my circumstances is keeping me sane.

4. Regulate Yourself First

Your calm won’t stop the tantrum, but it will help you get through it.

• Slow your breathing

• Relax your shoulders

• Soften your voice

  
  

You are modeling the regulation they’re still learning.

5. Choose Connection Over Correction

Public spaces tempt us to “shut it down” quickly, but the discipline can wait.

When possible, prioritize connection with your child:

• Get down to their level

• Offer physical reassurance

• Stay present, even if you can’t fix it

  
  

6. Debrief Later, Not During

Teaching happens after the storm passes. Reflection builds skills. Shame doesn’t.

Later, you can say:

• “That was really hard.”

• “Next time, what could help when you have a big feeling?”

  
  

7. Prepare Before you Go Out in Public

Explaining what the plan is can help because predictability supports the nervous system.

• “We’re going in for milk and then we’ll leave.”

• “We’re not buying juice today, but you can help me choose the cereal.”

8. Accept Help When It’s Offered

Kindness from others isn’t a sign you’re failing-- it’s community at its best.

Let the clerk carry the bags. If someone asks "How can I help?" They genuinely want to help-- give them a job! You don’t have to do this alone.

9. Protect Yourself From Unhelpful Voices

Strangers’ opinions don’t deserve your time or attention.

• You don’t owe explanations or apologies

• You shouldn’t feel the need to perform for an audience

• Cruel comments reflect them, not you

  
  

10. Trust That This Is a Season

Public meltdowns may feel overwhelmin in the moment—but they’re a temporary phase.

Your child is learning:

• How to tolerate disappointment

• How to share attention

• How to exist in the world with big feelings

  
  

And you’re teaching them how to move through it!!