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Without Labels, Who are you?

Writer's picture: Alexandra DupreyAlexandra Duprey

Updated: Jan 22


Without Labels, Who are you?


Beyond, wife and mother, creative-- who am I?


I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately and prioritizing the time to draw inward.





  • I rise early, and need a few moments to myself in the morning far more than black coffee.

  • I pick my cuticles ragged and raw when I am anxious

  • I have a knack for finding four-leaf clovers. My personal record is 9 in a span of 5 minutes. 

  • I enjoy making things with my hands: shea butter soap, knitted sweaters, ceramic mugs, patchwork quilts, and hearty suppers. 

  • I am thrifty and choose to buy used and repair what needs mending. 

  • In my teens, I sang and wrote songs. I have since lost my voice. I wonder if I will find my voice again-- I miss that part of myself deeply, achingly.

  • I enjoy hard work. My first job at 14 was working as a farm hand, picking bushels upon bushels of tomatoes in the noon day sun. That sweat and toil defined my character. 

  • I have shaved my head twice-- once at 15 in an act of rage and rebellion and then again when I was 30 and pregnant with a clear head and a steady hand. 

  • I am at once fragile and strong and so many other contradictions. 

  • I enjoy reading poetry and finding poetry in the mundane. 

  • I like to point out the beauty I see in the world: “oh, just look at that…. cloud, tree, stone…” 

  • I find so much pleasure in exploring my senses-- I run my fingers over every texture, bring fragrant things up to my nose and breathe deep, and taste what I can. 

  • The more I practice meditating the easier and faster I can center in the chaos of my life.



I am asking these questions of myself, so that you may think of your own answers to these questions. Feel free to use any of these as journal prompts to get to know yourself better:


Describe your kids:


I am a mother of four: two tweens (13 and 10), and two toddler boys (4 and 3). 

All my children are very independent-- I think Lenore Skinazy would consider them free range. 


 My oldest rides her bike a mile to her friend’s house in the early hours of morning to catch the middle school bus, and my 10 year old walks to and from elementary school. When I was growing up, my mom never allowed me that kind of freedom. They share a room with a single full bed. Although they used to have separate bunks, they choose to sleep together on the lower mattress. Their bond is deep. My younger daughter still calls her older sister “sissy”. This reminds me of my grandmother whose younger sister Mildred always called her “sissy”, even in old age. I hope she never grows out of it.


My oldest, Lenore, is beautiful-- especially when she is sleeping.  Her cheeks flush easily, it's usually the first sign she is embarrassed or sick. She has a raw physicality which I don’t know how to nurture not being a physical person myself. She pole vaults with branches in the woods and climbs the door jambs. She can’t be contained. I try not to burden her with too much responsibility, but if I am the sheriff in this house, she is my deputy. 


When I was pregnant with my younger daughter, Sloane, a friend whispered to my belly “misbehave”. Like a godmother’s curse, she’s turned out impish and a mischief maker, but also very very sweet. She has a magpie's eye and is always finding lost earrings, and keychains, croc gibbets, and other shiny fun treasure when we are out. She has large soulful eyes that dream wide open and is highly sensitive. My challenge as her mother is to teach her how to harness that super power.  She is a dreamer and writes poems which are my greatest treasures. She loves babies and lights up whenever she gets to hold one, but it not so much a fan when they grow into toddlers.


My son Bard is equally challenging and lovable. He has a big heart and bigger feelings. He gives the best squeezes and he has this really cute husky voice that everyone comments on-- little do they know his pediatrician has said that it may be caused by a vocal cord nodule from all his screaming. He is also SOLID-- too big for me to carry around anymore for any amount of time. His thoughts are different and only sometimes do they (in his words) “turn bad”. He asked me the other day while going phew, phew blowing air out of his mouth and onto his hand why the wind was invisible. I think that is pretty inquisitive for a 4 year old. 


My youngest is Hugo. He was a surprise, but came at a wonderful time.  He is the reason I took a step back from my 9-5 and am now home with my two little guys. He is very independent and sometimes I feel as if he weren’t so attached to nursing he wouldn’t need me at all (weaning has been a slow process). He was an early walker and an early talker and is so very friendly. Seriously, every other child of mine has clung to me around strangers-- Hugo will goes right up to every grumpy old man he sees and says "Hi!" His voice sounds like a coronet and even though I know if will deepen as he gets older, I hope it will never loose its musical quality. His curls are growing out with every trim-- it could make me cry if I knew he might not be my last.



Describe your household:


We are a family that shares a bed and our bathwater. 


We are also the neighborhood “fun” house at the moment and often have friends over before and after school. This means that I sometimes have 7 or more children in my house at any given time. I am an introvert and all these personalities can be a lot for me to interact with on a daily basis. Our house is tiny and there are no sacred spaces to escape to.


Where are you from and what do you like about this place? What do you loathe about it?


My family moved to Delaware the day before I entered 6th grade, I guess I am from here. 


The hardest thing for me about visiting my hometown, Middletown, is that it has gotten over-developed so quickly. Housing developments and strip malls have sprung up in every corn field. There is no way they really need 10 nail salons per square mile. I'm sad to see that agriculture is no longer a part of that town's character.


Also it is so flat south of the canal. I am much happier surrounded by hills than with a clear line to the horizon.


I currently live in Wilmington in a home we purchase from my husband's grandmother. Over the last 10 years we have been fixing it up at a snail's pace. Every improvement makes it feel more like our home.


When and how did you last surprise yourself?


I'm doing really well with my dry january (the plan is for a dry year). I’ve been surprised it has been this easy so far. 


What do you adore about being a mother?


I am really enjoying getting to know my children as individuals. They are all such cool kids.


What do you despise about being a mother?


Even though I am gradually getting over it, there is a sense of “what if?” that I have a hard time shaking. I wish I could just stop wondering about the hypotheticals and fully embrace the way events have unfolded for me. I feel so guilty when I think: "What if I became a mother later in life after I had firmly established a sense of self?" Motherhood is so much a part of my identity-- and always will be-- but I still wonder who I could have been if I had finished school, established a career, made friendships before we started our family. When those petty regrets creep up they seem pretty dispicable.


What is something that you want to do differently than generations of mother’s before?


My mother told me frightening stories when I was growing up (because she had no one else to listen) about her experiences as a social worker on the psychiatric ward, traumatic events of her childhood that she was still processing as an adult, and terrible news stories about rapes and murders in our community. I remember there was a particular playground, it’s called Manderach Park,  that was built in memorial to a mother and her infant daughter who had been raped and killed. My mother told me this story everytime we would go to the park and say “That consignment store clerk who murdered them, he checked me out once. I used to buy your dresses there. They found peep holes in the dressing rooms. It could've been us.” It was a fun park, with a tall tower and racing slides, but I could never enjoy playing there with the knowledge of why it was built. From a young age, I was conditioned to be fearful of the world and the people around me and this has really held me back in life.


I don’t want my children to be held back by fear. I consciously choose not to pass on that anxiety onto my children.


What is something that you are proud of in your mothering journey?


Before my boys  came along, my husband and I worked on opposite shifts-- with me on days and my husband on nights. Those are some of my proudest motherhood moments. I was solely responsible the entire work week for daycare drop off and pick up. Dinner, bathtime, and bedtime. At night there was only me to soothe, check fevers, and clean up vomit if they were sick. When I think back on that time in our lives, I feel grateful for how much partner support I have now, but also grateful for having no one else to rely on but myself in those moments. It gave me a lot of grit and self confidence I wouldn't have developed otherwise. I know now what I am capable of.


What is the biggest misconception about motherhood?


It has been interesting to have two “batches” of kids at very different times in my life. When I had my girls, I knew no one else who had children (even now most of our friend circle are single or partnered but childless by choice). In my early twenties, I was navigating young motherhood alone. I felt like I had nothing in common with moms in their thirties that I would meet at the park or library storytimes-- those women consciously chose to start their families at the “right” time. Now that I am raising littles alongside these peers, I know how wrong I was in this thought pattern.


There is never a right time to start or grow your family. Whether you are 18 or 42, motherhood is a challenge, everyone has their struggles and at times feels lonely.  


What is the most common thread of motherhood?


We can’t escape the biological need to nest and brood, nurture and protect. A mother has a close connection to her animal instinct.


When and where do you feel most at home?


I would have to say around the holidays, at my parent’s house, even though it is not the house I grew up in, surrounded by my siblings and all our children. I like a full house. I love my family. 


What last made you belly laugh?


My three year old is in a kissing phase-- wet smooches planted on my cheeks and smooshed into my mouth and forehead. I love it and it cracks me up everytime to be so loved! 


When do you and how do you feel fully relaxed?


I would have to say at the beach-- there is something about the sound of the waves and the salt spray and having nothing else to do but sit quietly and enjoy nature. It lulls me into such a sense of peace. I could use a beach day right now. 


What is something that makes you cringe?


Sand paper, nail files-- my girls know and they tell me to stop gritting my teeth. 


What is something that has stopped you in your tracks this past year?


This year I was asked to create a memorial film for a family whose baby was given a life limiting diagnosis. I really had to stop and evaluate whether this was something I could handle emotionally. I attended the birth, and captured memories on video which have been a gift to this family in their grief and have helped them to process. I have thought of them every day since. 


What is something that you recently ate/watched/read that really captivated you?


Our bedtime routine includes stories-- favorite picture books that my mother read to me as a child, that I have read to my older girls, and am now re-reading with my boys. A few titles that never get old are “Sophie’s Masterpiece”, “Heckedy Peg”, “Swamp Angel”, and “Little Mouse’s Painting”. 


“I love you the purplest” is an especially poignant bedtime read these days. It is about two brothers who, though very different, are loved unconditionally by their mother. One is “blue like a dragonfly at the tip of its wing and like the deepest part of a cave” and the other red “a thundering laugh and like the swirl of a magic cape”. I love the simplicity of children’s books. The messages are so clear.


Who or what kind of mother do you look up to and why?


Mothers who seem unencumbered. The ones who can get away for a girl’s weekend and think nothing of leaving their children behind. 



When was the happiest you have seen your kids? What were they doing?


A few years ago we went on a Southwest road trip and stayed a few nights in Sedona, Az. We hiked several of the vortexes while we were there. A favorite was Bell Rock, a conically shaped red rock butte that you can scale as high as you would like. Someone climbed to the top while we were driving away-- a tiny victorious silhouette against the sky. There isn’t a clear path marked, although there are more challenging routes--  you just go up. My girl’s scrambled up like doeling mountain goats. It was hard to get them to come down, they just wanted to keep climbing. Even now on hikes, they are always finding rocks to climb. I’m not a “watch your step, you are going to fall” kind of mom, but their rock climbing does give me a pit in my stomach at times. 


Describe a perfect day 


Waking up slowly with my partner while the kids entertain themselves. Coffee and a big breakfast with everyone, the WXPN weekend morning radio show “Sleepy Hollow” playing softly in the background. A family walk to let loose, maybe a drive. A quiet afternoon reading and playing, then help with dinner. I usually let the girls pick our vinyl soundtrack. Help with the dishes then a game and maybe a movie after that. Now that the girls are getting older it’s hard to find a movie that we can all watch together that they haven’t watched a hundred times. Then bed before 9. 


Describe a perfect day without your kids


I find that whenever I have a few hours without my kids I usually waste my time staring at the wall….

I would wake up with a nude swim in the pool. 

Visit a museum where I would read all the gallery labels I wanted and look for as long as I like. 

Walk alone in the woods-- find a nice place to sit quietly and listen. 

Take my guitar out and play without the rush of chunky toddler fingers trying to pluck at my strings. 

Maybe I would watch a movie with subtitles and sex scenes. 

Eat fish for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

Ecstatic dance around the house without ridicule. 

Call up a distant friend. 


What do you dream of for yourself, and for your children?


I would like a big yard with a woods or creek (or both) to play in-- easy access to nature. 

I would love to have the privacy to walk out of my back door naked. Chickens.

A space of my own to create, read, and be alone in my thoughts-- maybe a little cabin studio with a woodstove and a dusty bed. 

Other than that. I hope that we all can be happy, healthy, and whole. 


How do you feel about being pregnant what do you remember most about pregnancy


I miss the feeling of my babies moving around in my belly.


*I found some of the questions I asked myself here in interviews on the blog BEAST MOTHER . If you are interested in raw and open sharing on honest motherhood, I would check it out!

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